Divorce

Jim and Mike spent the weekend fishing on the lake.

Jim: "I think I'm going to get a divorce."

Mike: "Why, what's up?"

Jim: "She hasn't spoken to me in 2 months. Not even last night after our you know, in bed session together."

Mike: "Hey Jim. You seriously have to reconsider it. That kind of wife is a rare specimen."

....

How To Lose Weight

Doctor: "Ok Miss, what is our problem here?"

Woman: "I tried to lose some weight doc, I've been trying to work out with any kind of machines and systems. But it just doesn't work out well. What do you think is the recommended practice?"

Doctor: "For your case, simple. By shaking your head left to right for a few seconds."

Woman: "Really? How many times a day?"

Doctor: "Everytime."

Woman: "Everytime?"

Doctor: "Everytime someone offer you food!"

.....

Crossword

Jim is trying to fill out a crossword and asks Mike for a help.
Jim: "Hey Mike, do you know how they call a fish with no eyes?"
Mike: "I know, but I can not mention it."
Jim: "Why, is it a trade secret? C'mon, it's just to finish up this crossword I'm doing. $50 prize for the one who completes it"
Mike: "It's a FSH.."
Jim: "Say it again!"
Mike: "Whatever Jim...."

The Well

Return back from fishing, Mike and Jim walked along the path back to the village, when suddenly Mike noticed a gaping hole of a well just beside the path, and almost plunged to it.

Mike,"Wow, I almost fell into the well. Hey, Jim, lets see how deep the well is."
Jim,"How?"
Mike,"Maybe we can try to throw a rock and see how long until it will make a noise of it hitting the ground or water."
Jim then found a small rock and throw it to the well.
Mike,"Wow, the well must be so deep. I did not hear any noise of it."
Jim,"Maybe it's just not big enough. Try to throw that coconut instead."

Mike,"Whoa, I did not hear it hit the water or the ground. It must be pretty darn deep!"
Jim,"Well, maybe we need to find even a bigger thing to throw inside it."
They tried to find something.
Jim,"Hey Mike, look what I found here. Help me out with this, will you!"
Apparently they found a block of railroad bed concrete. Together, they carried the block to be thrown inside the well.
Mike,"Holy cow! Even that does not make any noise!"

Suddenly, a goat came charging in to them swiftly. Fortunately Mike and Jim was able to evade. But unfortunately the goat was not and went straight into the well.
Jim,"Crazy goat! It almost hit me!"

A few moments later, old farmer Joe came carrying a shotgun and yelled to them,"Hey, did you see the person who stole my goat? I was just left for a pee and it was gone."
Mike,"No we did not see anyone carrying a goat. But we saw a goat charging us and went straight into this well! Maybe it was yours?"
Old farmer Joe said,"No way my goat can run by itself, I tied it up to a block of railroad bed concrete!"

Jim and Mike,"???"
.....

SMS

Jim rushed up coming home and shocked when his 8 months pregnant wife is sitting on the porch reading a book.
Wife,"What's a matter Jim? You look so hurry and shocked."

Jim,"I sent an SMS to you to see how you're doing a few moments ago, and 2 seconds later I got a reply which said 'DELIVERED'."
....

A Gift for the Teacher

During Kindergarten School farewell party, all students were presenting gifts to the teacher.

The first kid to present the gift was the son of the florist in the village. The teacher sniffed the gift box and guessed,"Is it a flower?". The florist's kid smiled and said,"Yes, it is."

After that, it was the kid of the chocolate maker. The teacher shook the gift box and said,"Is it some chocolate?". "Yes. You're smart, teacher",the kid answered.

And then it was the turn of the ice cream parlor owner's kid. When the gift box was picked up by the teacher, some water dripped out from the box.

The teacher smiled and tasted the dripping water and asked,"Is it a grape flavored ice cream inside?". The kid answered,"No, it is not, but....". The teacher cut the sentence of the kid, taste again the dripping water and said,"Is it orange?". The kid said,"NO! Actually, it's a puppy inside."
.....

Slapping the Colonel

There were four persons who did not know each other on the train.

The first person is an old lady but from the higher class of society, seen from the way she dressed.

The second person is a young female photo model who is very beautiful.

The third one is a high ranked army officer fully dressed in military suit with medals and rank badge attached to his suit, and seems to be very proud of himself.

And the fourth person is a young man on his early 20s with casual clothing. More look like a street boy.

They got to know each other in no time and discuss about many subjects. One thing obvious was that the military officer had an interest on the young model. Until later the train entered a tunnel. Apparently something wrong with the lights therefore it became very dark in the train.

Suddenly, a sound of lip-to-cheek smooch emerged, followed by a loud sound of slap on someone's cheek.

The old lady thought,"Good girl, she can take care and stand for herself."

While the young model said to herself,"Yeah, right. Why does he choose an old lady to kiss while there is a pretty girl around. Now you paid for it!"

The military officer grunted,"Damn, I have nothing to do with the smack but I got the slap."

And the young guy smiled to himself,"Rare opportunity to be able to slap a colonel for no reason without being caught. :-)"

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

One day, there was a vacuum cleaner salesman came to my house.

Without saying a word, and even before I had a chance to say something, suddenly the salesman threw some chicken shit on my carpet and said,"If this vacuum cleaner can not clean the shit until nothing left within 15 minutes, I guarantee you, I will eat the shit from the carpet, one by one."

"Hey, do you want me to smear your face with chili while starting to eat the shit at this moment?", I said.

"Hey, chill out, don't worry, it will be clean in less than 15 minutes without leaving any smell at all", explained the salesman.

So I said,"You better start to eat the shit now because there was just an announcement that we will have no electricity until tomorrow morning!"

.....

Slipping Wild Boar

One day, after coming back from hunting, Charlie met Adams on the way back home.

"How are you, Charlie?", said Adams.

"Wow, I was almost died pursuit by a wild boar", Charlie explained.

"How did it happen?", Adams asked.

"Just now, I encountered a wild boar and I teased it with a piece of bamboo stick and it went berserk. I was chased and charged by it. But luckily the boar got slipped over and over, then I had time to climb a palm tree until it went away", Charlie said.

"Wow, it must have been very scary. If it was me in your situation, I would have soaked my pants", said Adams.

Charlie answered, "So was I, why do you think the boar was slipped over and over..."

Adams," .... "

Bloody Vampire

There were two vampires named Count Drecko and Lord Ambrose. They went separate ways to find preys for blood.

It was almost dawn when Lord Ambrose came back with his mouth full of blood. Having seen that, Count Drecko shouted,"Wow, apparently you have found a prey, with all those blood dripping out of your mouth! Show me where you got the blood for me as well!"

"Ah, you want some, follow me!",said Lord Ambrose.

Then they flew together with Lord Ambrose led the way, and later landed on a rooftop of a building.

Lord Ambrose asked Count Drecko,"Do you see that big iron flag pole over there?"

"Of course I do, the one just near a guardhouse over there?", said Count Drecko.

"Ah, you are wonderful", said Lord Ambrose.

"What is the problem? What does it have anything to do with our prey?", asked Count Drecko.

"I flew so fast on my way back, I did not see that flag pole", Lord Ambrose said.